I was sitting and in conversation with my wife while driving across town on a Saturday afternoon. It was like one of those conversations from recent Sonic ads. Remember? It’s a conversation that looks like two strangers sitting in the front seat, but slowly one realizes this is a special kind of connection between two people. It might just as well be siblings because the conversation rolls along of its own weight of trivia. In the middle of a sentence my passenger let out a whelp and declared that a large piece of black pepper had dislodged itself from some secret crevice between her teeth and she had just bit into it. She blamed it on breakfast.
We continued with further speculation that this was indeed breakfast at fault. We then concluded with mutual warnings about waiters who crack those peppercorns over our salads.
I began soon to drift into considerations of how to label this sort of warning. I resolved to call it “stealth pepper??? and suggested that it was (as is often the case in our times) part of a larger conspiracy. In fact, it is a “Black Pepper Conspiracy.??? Now, ever ready to belabor a concept and suck the marrow of possibly widening arcs of absurdity, I decided on the spot to name my new band “The Black Pepper Conspiracy.??? I resolved to cut my new album with my tongue searching out my cheek for any residual bits to be gleaned from Piper Nigrum.
Later I mentioned this idea to my daughter as we walked together through a trendy furniture store. She wrinkled her nose in disapproval. She suggested that it sounded too much like“Red Hot Chili Peppers??? Or perhaps that it was already in use somewhere in the world. I think it was her plan to just head me off from my reckless way. Instead, I resolved to begin a web search to discover whether this title had in fact been in use in some obscure application.
I found there is indeed a “Black Pepper Conspiracy??? being perpetrated in Ottawa, Canada It is supposed to be the result of a misuse of Pepper Spray to subdue perpetrators of minor infractions by the local constabulary. I suppose the Mounties don’t like to use their guns anymore. And Stun guns are too shocking.
In protest someone in Ottawa, it is believed, has substituted a black substance that wreaks havoc in the digestive tract. Never mind that this is entirely another kind of pepper. Pepper Spray is made of Capsaicin, the chemical derivative of chili peppers. No one seems to have considered it simply the result of bad cooking.
Perhaps the confusion of Piperum Nigrum with Capsicum is natural in that northern climate. Spiking the black pepper may be the only sensible alternative in a climate unused (as we do in Texas) to Salsa as a means of repairing disputes at table. As everyone should know, the physical response to the active ingredient Capsaicin is the release of endorphins. I say there’s nothing better than feeling good about a bad situation. Grinding those little black peppercorns is in no way comparable to a sumptuous mixture of diced tomato, cilantro, onions and Serrano peppers. Blame Canada. I tell you, it is nothing but a Black Pepper Conspiracy perpetrated by our northern neighbors. .
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